If Aaron Sorkin Worked At Hallmark

Don’t Blink: Day 5

I believe that every day lived with laughter is a day well lived. Which is why I spent a few minutes of my morning writing silly greeting cards as if they were written by one of my favorite screenwriters.

I shared my good news about Blue Mountain Arts with a few friends, who were all very supportive (and didn’t actually come out and say what I know you’re all thinking, “Hey, Heath, you’d be perfect for that, cheese ball.” So thanks for that guys…I think).

Aaron tells me he applied to work for Hallmark once, and that he didn’t get the job. I think he’s being dry, but I never know with him. He did, after all, work delivering singing telegrams for a while. The image of him writing Hallmark cards got me giggling out loud, and then writing, and then giggling some more.

Rejected Hallmark Cards, by Aaron Sorkin

Another year older? Stop whining. Just stop. Do it. Do it now.
*

Birthdays are not nice on so many levels.

*

I spent $4.99 on this card for you. NO I DO NOT
USE FACEBOOK OR TWITTER. STOP ASKING ME, YOU NETWORKED NUTJOB.

*

What are friends for?

Telling you what you don’t want to hear, and annoying the hell outta you.
You, my friend, do an excellent job.

*

Specifically for Sarah Palin:

Happy Martin Luther King Day,
you phony pioneer girl.

*

I love you, but every single day, I wanna smack
you silly with a stale baguette. Happy Anniversary.

*

NB: These were all my words, in his style, or his favorite words, in my style–regardless, they aren’t direct quotes from any of his works or interviews–except for the “phony pioneer girl” quote, which I simply couldn’t resist recycling. I don’t think it was harsh. I think it was awesome.

Finally, Aaron, if you’re reading, (which I highly doubt ’cause I believe you’re writing a play, a sitcom, four movies, and taking a shower) congrats to you, Lauren, Ian, David Fincher, and the cast and crew for all the nominations and awards so far for The Social Network. No surprise there—it’s all well-deserved.

20 comments

  1. Fionnuala says:

    This really should have been a Studio 60 sketch…loved it! And congratulations on the award!!

    Like

  2. KC McNally says:

    Ha! I saw somewhere that Hallmark employs something like 35 writers. I’ve always wondered what those people were like and always assumed they were the empathetic type but have had their sense of humor surgically removed. You would never be able to keep out the funny. xoxo-kc

    Like

    • Exactly. My plan is to do the funny here, and the sappy for the greeting card company. And a mix of both in everyday life, as always. 😉

      BTW, if anyone’s interested, it turns out, no, he wasn’t joking, Aaron really did apply for a job at Hallmark, and didn’t get it.

      Like

  3. Danielle says:

    Nice!

    I feel like there could be a whole card section marked “For Writer’s Block” written by Aaron. Anyone wanna take a stab at that? One that makes noise or sprays something when you open it, maybe.

    Are you in the tall grass? In the weeds?
    Suck it up and get a lawnmower.

    Like

  4. Alison says:

    Heather, you’d love the book “Monsieur Saguette and his Baguette” He comes up with lots of uses for a stale baguette – incluiding fending off robbers, wedging open a crocodile’s mouth and using it to escape from a manhole! LOL

    Like

  5. Maureen says:

    Careful – I have a Jaz and I’m prepared to let her loose!!!

    Like

  6. Maureen says:

    I think I’ll just go with “Charmingly nuts!”

    😉

    Like

  7. Larry Leitner says:

    Love it. The one about Birthdays not being nice on so many levels is an example of impeccable Sorkinese.

    Like

  8. Evelyn says:

    ha!
    why a baguette??
    I know why STALE, but…lol
    giggling…

    Like

    • I believe he’s used “beat you silly with a head of cabbage”–Harriett to Matt in Studio 60. I prefer to smack people. More specifically, men.
      The baguette is because I’m living in Quebec. It’s just a nod to my life. And also, I love alliteration.

      Like

  9. alienhippy says:

    Lots of giggles from the UK, you’re so funny.
    Love and hugs. xXx

    Like

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